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Dear Evite,

I’m a fairly reasonable person and haven’t been hit too many times with the stupid stick, so when you tell me that I have a 250 character limit in this here little box and I type 238 characters (including spaces, my friend), then why, why do you insist on telling me I have exceeded the limit? Even the handy dandy character counter YOU PROVIDE tells me I have characters remaining. Are you just messing with me? Do you know I’m suffering from a severe lack of sleep? Is this how you get your rocks off? Do you not want me to have a party? Is it possible that you know sleep deprived crazy mamas really shouldn’t hold parties during the holiday season? Is this your way of helping? Because right now? Wanna kill you. Yeah, with a really big stick. And maybe some vicious dogs would be a nice touch. So please tell me, why are you so evil?

Sincerely,

Elaine

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Dear Elaine,

It is clear from the content of the above email that you are in no shape to hold parties. Go take a valium, get some sleep and come to your senses. Might we suggest a small get together with some friends, rather than the large soiree you are planning? And come on, who celebrates SOLSTICE, for Christ’s sake? Think it over. Make good choices. Give the doggies a treat.

With your best interest at heart,

The Evite Team

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Dear Evite Team,

RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

That is all,

Elaine

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Dear Elaine,

We have a fence. Do your dogs have opposable thumbs?

Evite

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Evite,

No. But I do. And I coated your car with bacon grease.

Elaine

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Elaine,

So, what? Your dog will lick my car? Ooooooh, scary!

Evite

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Evite,

Did I ever tell you about the time my dads dog ate a car? Really funny story. Luckily, the customer also thought it was funny. I doubt you would.

Elaine

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Elaine,

Ate the car? Like seriously?

Evite

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Evite,

Yep. Chasing a squirrel. The silly pooch crimped up a wheel well, ate the interior and gnawed up the exhaust pipe. Dad had to call the owner and say, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your car is done. The bad news is that my dog ate it.” He loves that story.

Elaine

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Elaine,

So, are we friends now?

Evite

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Evite,

You wish. Going to bed. Fix it for me and I’ll tell you more cute animal stories. If not, I’ll smear that bacon grease somewhere else.

Elaine

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Elaine,

Fixed. Spare me?

Evite

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Evite,

Kisses!

Elaine

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*Letters above in no way reflect correspondences between me and Evite. I actually fixed it on my own (kinda). They don’t even know that that part of their site is BROKEN. Bastards.