20 Things

I used to have this reoccurring nightmare where I’d be driving up a hill and it would get so steep the car would eventually tip over backwards sending us ass over teakettle down the hill. I actually saw it happen once on TV and I haven’t had the nightmare since. The last thing I have to do before I fall asleep is make a bathroom run. If I lay awake too long, I have to get up and pee. This makes it hard to go camping. When I was little, my dad was so paranoid about a house fire that he’d make us do late night fire drills. When I told this to an old boyfriend, he said, “You are such a white girl.” I still don’t know what that means and it’s probably a big part of the reason I left him. I have a noise discrimination hearing disorder, but it’s never been properly diagnosed. Therefore, I often like to pretend it doesn’t exist. My mother and I share a name. Lily and I do too. I miss my brother. I was so angry when I was a teenager that I treated my mom like shit. I finally apologized to her last week. I have a birthmark on my belly that has absolutely no pigment. It looks really cool when I have a tan. I haven’t had a tan on my belly for over ten years. I am terrified of bees. When it’s sunny out, I cannot drive without sunglasses. When I was about six years old, some guy exposed himself to me. I didn’t have a clue what he was up to and it wasn’t until I was a teen that I figured it out. And no, I don’t feel emotionally scarred. I’m not a fan of white walls. Space deserves color; I just don’t have the patience to paint them myself. I haven’t shaved my legs in months and I’m trying to decide if I should bother ever doing it again. I am incredibly self conscious about my body. I don’t want my daughters to be self conscious about their own bodies. I love comfortable shoes and refuse to wear heals. I absolutely adore hats of all kinds. I don’t wear hats of any kind. In high school I fell in love with criminals. In college I was all about actors. In my late 20’s I fell in love with two little girls. Now that I’m 30, I’m starting to learn how to fall in love with myself.