You should see me when I need to pee

This morning I got up and made myself some breakfast and then scooted my booty out the door with Anya to attend a Pampered Chef Party (drastically different from a Pampered Chief party, lemme tell ya). While there I was appropriately dazzled by the fancy, yet functional cookware and even agreed to host a party of my very own. Seriously, I wanted to buy everything. I limited myself to $20, promising myself that when I threw a party I’d get to buy things at discount, therefore appeasing the prone-to-tantrums inner chief chef (or is that chef chief?).

The only thing I ate while there was a bit of fruit pizza and a couple of crackers smeared with hummus. While it was good, it wasn’t lunch and when I got home from my little event just after 2pm I was starving. Mark had attempted to get Lily to take a nap on the living room couch with him, but when I started rummaging around in the kitchen for sustenance, she decided she needed me. Desperately.

I took her off to her room and plopped her in bed, explained that I needed to go get something to eat and left her there to nap. She was not pleased with this plan. I had just managed to get some leftovers out of the fridge when she started wailing and it was at this moment that Mark handed me the baby and informed me he was going to go take a nap*.

Let’s recap:

Lily screaming in her room.

Anya squirming and demanding full attention.

Elaine so hungry she’s ready to do something evil.

Mark’s gonna take a nap.

It was at this point I thought he just might loose a testicle. The right one. NO! The left! He saw that his future wasn’t looking so bright and tried to take the baby back from me, while Lily continued to scream for him in her room. I actually body blocked him, told him to get out of my face before I did cause him to loose something precious and then… I’m pretty sure my head spun around on my neck, I spewed something icky and I started speaking in tongues.

THIS, dear Internet, is what happens if you mess with me while I’m trying to eat. So hand me the pasta, save the children and walk away, pretty boy; it’s in your own best interest.

*To be fair, the nap would have been with Lily, which would have kept her out of the way while I fed. I was more pissed off because that meant he wouldn’t take Anya with him and I needed just a few moments of peace to get some food in me. He’s not all bad, just tinged around the edges like bread left out too long: fuzzy, not nasty through-and-through.