Answers, anyone?

I fully expected a different breed of questions; more along the lines of, “How did you get to be so pretty and talented?” or “What will you do when the people call you to lead the revolution?” Instead I got circus peanuts, Magic Shell, shopping regrets, moving and profanity.

Lemme dive right in:

A search for “circus peanuts” brought me to the following site, ttitled Bad Candy. There seems to be a universal hatred of the candy and a general confusion as to their existence. Much like you, Krystyn, people are perplexed. I considered shooting your question over to my friend Tim West who is a playwright and wrote a play called “The Universal Monster Show” all about a famous circus fire where lots of people died. In the process of writing the play, he discovered all sorts of circus lore. If nothing else, he’d make something up. But then I couldn’t find his email, got distracted and started thinking about hard chocolate coatings.

Which brings me to Vickii’s question about what to do with Magic Shell when you haven’t any ice cream. I googled “other uses” for “Magic Shell” and came up with a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons type results. I’m guessing they mean a different kind of Magic Shell. I did, when adding the word “recipe” to the Google query discover that you never need buy Magic Shell again, the recipe is so freaking simple.

This, however doesn’t help Vickii’s current Magic Shell predicament. Of course, you could just buy more ice cream, but that would require a trip out of the house and well, I know you better than that. Stay put. Be creative. Might I suggest a “friend” come over to help you find shocking places to smear that stuff? OR, if the bugs leave your apples alone, you could make some very tasty chocolate apples. I myself had a hankering for rice krispie treats recently and ended up spreading chocolate over the top; Magic Shell would be of perfect use in that situation. OH! It can also be used as caulking in the shower, but you may find yourself in there licking the walls, so scratch that. I still like the “friend” idea but then, my husband is recently home from being out of town and my mind is in a dirty dirty place.

MOVING ON!

Sarah is the one with shopping regrets and writes: Why did I only buy a small bag of Belgian truffles and why didn't I buy more than one bottle of chocolate liqueur?

To that I can only say, you are Brittish. The Brits are very odd people. At least that’s what they teach us crass Americans in school. This clearly confirms it. At least you are pretty and talented and I would like to put you in my pocket. Next time? Buy more and send them to me.

Sonja asks: Here's a question for ya: Suppose you're getting ready (potentially) to move into a house. What do you do first, tent for termites (and replace the gnawed off window sills), refinish the floors (that have been fixed with wood putty by obliging renters), or re-roof? I'm all ears!

To which Vickii replied: Easy. Tent for termites; any new work you do will be termite-free from the start. Then refinish floors, because as refinishing them, you may find termite areas that need to be repaired/replaced. Then re-roof. Fumes from the floor refinishing can leak better out of an unsound roof, leaving less fumes inside (yes, I just made that up. But it does follow the theory of repair from the inside out, from the bottom up.

My work on that one is done.

And finally, we get this gem from Acupunk: Topic idea: how to deal with sitting in kitchen with devout Christian teen girl who has come to my home to clean before my family's arrival this week when my errant rock-star-boy-child of 21 screams "MOOOOMMMMMMMMMM, JESUS F****KIN CHRIST!!!! CHRIST F****KIN SAKE!!!" Ignore? Apologize? Yell back at the boy-child, "Shush the F**K up, we have Christian guests?!"

And then...do I consider his screaming justified since he was in the bathroom as the showers and toilets and tubs were all back flowing water out of the drains and flooding the bathrooms?

Acupunk may have changed her name for the sake of this post but I know who she is. And I love her. Passionately. I have told her on more than one occasion to start blogging because she is, quite frankly, a wing nut and comes up with the most brilliant stories and ideas. ANYWAY, I would have likely responded in the "Shush the F**K up, we have Christian guests?!" vein but then my mom would have popped out of a corner and given me the stare. You know the one? The one that Lutheran ladies perfect and throw at their children when they’ve done something to disappoint and it makes said child want to crawl into a corner and die because clearly said child is going to hell and there ain’t nothing said child can do about it? That look. I would like to hear what you all would have done. As we all know, you are all much better at handling delicate situations than I.

Discuss.

That’s all I have time for now. Feel free to keep asking. I’ll be waiting patiently. Thinking about Magic Shell and Krystyn's awesome new hair.