I’ve been deeply frustrated lately, not satisfied with anything and suspicious of those people around me. Usually I am a very confident person but these days I find myself wondering if that person really likes me or if Mark is upset with me. What have I done? I wonder, when in reality, his silence likely has nothing to do with me. I’ve been like this before and have learned that this mood is tied directly to my self image. Me and my body have not been getting along as of late and I find myself wincing at photographs, shying from the mirror and hiding my body from my spouse, hoping he won’t notice how awful I look. I’ve reached the point post partum where I feel I can no longer blame the weight on the baby and need to start doing something to drop the twenty pounds I seem to want to keep. And people, I am deeply realistic about my ideal body weight, so please don’t tell me I look fine as is. I know I’m not grossly obese, but I am not at a healthy weight for my frame and that makes me very uncomfortable.
It’s strange because I never felt more beautiful as when I was pregnant. I adored the curve of my belly, the spread of my hips. I felt physically balanced, strong, powerful; like I could do anything. That physical shape bolstered my emotional shape. I miss that feeling and need to reclaim that power without having another baby (womb closed for business, thank you very much). The only other time I’ve felt close to that in my adult life was right before I got pregnant with Lily and I had managed to loose the 30 pounds I packed on in college (did you do the math? I have less weight to loose post partum than I did post college! That’s the silver lining).
I think it’s time to do something. I think it’s time to actively loose these extra pounds. I don’t like hating my body and know that this feeling could poison my girls down the road and I would hate myself if they started criticizing their body, just because I am unhappy with my own. This week I’m going to sign up with Weight Watchers again since it was so helpful for me in the past. I’m going to commit to loving myself and my girls enough to make this change. So bear with me folks, I’ll do my best to keep my emotions in check and not obsess about my progress. But those 20 pounds are going down, yo.
OH, and the really funny part of all of this? They just opened and new Weight Watchers nearby; RIGHT NEXT TO THE COLD STONE ICE CREAM! Evil Bastards!
PS Pirates would never talk like this... clearly I'm ruining the spirit of Talk like a Pirate Day!