Sometimes I...

...feel overcome with emotion: sorrow, joy, pain, bliss... they all get together for a party in my heart and make it hard to breathe.
...think there is no way I can make it through the next couple of hours while other times I think that I never want this moment to end
...know how very insane it is that the universe let me get away with it
...am full of so much grace I shock myself into doing something very ungraceful
... have such a deep understanding of how very lucky I am, even when I'm acting like I'm not
...wish I could just let go
...hate that in certain things I have simply given up
...miss the feel of a baby in my womb, even though I know I have no desire to be pregnant again
...fear that this is really it while other times I fear that this isn't
...hear the way my voice sounds when I am angry or frustrated and I can't believe how much I sound like her
...smell the sent of fresh rain and want to move to Seattle
...crave silence
...search for that little part of me that used to look back at me in the mirror with such naked confidence
...wonder when I will figure out who I am (again)
...regret that I spend so much time ignoring the "right now"
...love the way my children can so deeply swing me emotionally (other times, not so much)
...ache for the ability to forgive myself
...am not kind
...believe that all this bickering over who is right will only make the whole world deaf
...cry.
...fight just to make sure he's paying attention
...win, but wish I didn't
...lose myself in the feel of their skin under my fingertips
...confuse my own self worth with their understanding of me in the role to which I've been assigned
...listen to the steady breaths of my children over the monitor and never, ever, want to turn it off
...am scared that this is just too fragile
...am happy about the moment I am sharing with another soul
...imagine that eventually I will stop trying to be and will learn to just be

The End

Maya toes

This shot of Maya's paws makes me very happy, so I thought I'd just throw it in for kicks.