It was all set. We had found a car we liked that got around 30mpg, fit the girls and their monster carseats, had space for the dog when needed and was within our price range. My uncle has a friend with a used car lot and so we were getting the family treatment. He had even suggested that we could just do a straight trade with our minivan and drive away for tax and licensing. It was all set.
So we're still driving the minivan after a day where girls and I took the train up to work instead of the car so Mark could clean it out and get it ready for trade. The girls LOVED the train and it worked out fairly well to take them to work with me (challenging, but with the indication it could get easier). But the deal with the new (to us) car just didn't pan out and so we left in our nice clean minivan after a very long and exhausting day.
"I feel so defeated." I told Mark. "I thought this was done. I thought I could just push this out of my mind and make space for all the other crap in there. Now we have to start over."
He listed off a whole new set of cars he's considering and then quipped "Isn't it exciting to know we have options, though?"
"NO. I want to make a decision, find the car and be DONE with this."
Blank stare from my husband. This is clearly one of the many ways we are different. He's all about the hunt where I want a clear direction, an action to follow and to be DONE. He's spending all his time combing the Auto Trader and Craigslist and Consumer Reports, happy in his fact gathering and considering all the options. Torture, I tell you.
"I'm just tired, hon."
"Well, you work a lot. Get through the next month or two and maybe we can change that."
"Why would you even say that?" I ask, knowing that the next month or two will not really show us a marketable change.
"Well, you're obviously overwhelmed and doing too much."
"One of us has to." I blurted out, quickly following with. "I'm not saying you're not doing enough, I know how your work is. It comes and goes as gigs become available and I accept that. But if we need more money, I'm the one who can directly relate that. More hours for me are more likely. You know?"
He does know. Despite the fact that I have more education than my husband I don't make as much per hour as he does BUT my hours are easier to add to. His work is entirely dependent on what's available. When he does work, he makes lots of money. But right now, he's not working enough.
So I work. Every single day of the week. I get up at 5am four of those days and don't stop until well after the kids are in bed. I'm either mothering, working, mothering while working, or throwing a tantrum. It is overwhelming at times, but I can do it. And I am doing it. And I will do it for as long as it's needed.
But I'm tired. And can't shake this cold. And a little afraid that my head could explode. Meanwhile? My husband is up in his little office, surfing the net for a car. Now do you see why my way of thinking (decide, act, DONE) is so much better than the hunt? Maybe some day he'll get it too.
< / rant >