the one where I whine and complain and act like a punk ass bitch

I've never been a huge fan of New Years... as a holiday, that is.  Too much emphases on drinking like an idiot, which leads to too many drunks on the road; and then there's the bit about staying up past midnight but without a special dispensation to drug your children so they'll sleep in.

It's just not for me.

New Years is crazy with the anticipation, as well.  It's a new start, they say.  It's a clean slate, they say.  It's full of brilliant possibilities, they say.

Bullshit.  It's just another day.  And honestly, I can't help but look at it with a little twinge.  For us, this is the year we'll likely have to make some huge changes.  This is the year where I'll have to let go of stuff.  This is the year where I'll have to become comfortable with a certain amount of loss.  This is the year where I'll have to say "No" way more than I ever have in the past.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing.  I've made my peace with the concept of change and know that bullshit about when one door closes another opens.  I even have seen that to be true in my lifetime.  Somehow, though, I'm having a real struggle with the optimism needed to write you all a cheery summation of how it'll all be OK.

Don't get me wrong, I know it'll be OK.  I really do.  It's just that I'm running on fumes lately.  I can't sleep.  I lay awake with my mind racing a mile a minute until I finally pass out, only to wake again somewhere around 2am.  Last night I got up and read for an hour before being able to get myself back to sleep, and that was after tossing and turning in bed for almost an hour trying to wait it out.  And I've learned that optimism is wicked hard when you haven't been sleeping much. 

This is where I'd usually start counting my blessings so you all don't think I'm an ungrateful, whiny little bitch who needs a serious attitude adjustment.  I'm not doing it this time.  I haven't the energy.  Besides, I need something to think about while I lay awake tonight and at least counting my blessing doesn't cause hyperventilation.

And so, yeah, comments are off.  I don't want to hear anything encouraging.  Also don't want to hear that I'm an ungrateful, whiny little bitch who needs a serious attitude adjustment.  I'm sure by the time I read your comments I'd be over it anyway.  I tend to bounce back, especially if I get some effing sleep.

Here's hoping this will be the most obnoxiously stupid post all year.