moody and restless

Just worked a closing shift at the cafe which means I spend a couple hours alone with a mop, broom or with my hands deep in sudsy water.  By the time I'm cleaning the joint, I am tired and achy, but have discovered this physical part of the job is damn good for me.  I've lost about ten pounds since starting there and actually enjoy the quiet brain space working physically allows me.  Not a big fan of the baggy pants; I'm between sizes with this weight loss, but seem a bit stuck.  So I wear belts and hike up my pants and try to envision pants that fit when I go to the thrift store.

Instead of thinking about my pants tonight, all that quiet time got me thinking about Marvin.  Marvin has worked in local theatre for years and years and (wait for it) YEARS.  He's taught, acted, managed... he's done it all.  He's one of those people who can take an idea and look at it honestly, not with stars in his eyes or the bitter slant of the jaded.  He served on the board for the theatre I most recently managed and at the Board Retreat this year we chatted about his grandkids and my girls.  "It goes so fast," was the general topic of discussion.  We agreed that you just have to appreciate each moment while you have it. 

I liked Marvin.

He passed away a couple weeks ago.  We didn't spend a whole lot of time together, yet I can't help but feel his loss.  And I can't stop thinking about that conversation just a little over a month before his unexpected death.  We were lamenting how they grow up so fast, not talking about how we might not be there to complain about it whizzing past.  Each moment I have with these kids is so freaking important because who knows how many of them I'll get?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting all obsessed about my own death, but damn; how does one hold onto a moment when it's screaming by at 1000 miles an hour? 

Lily teaches me stuff now.  Anya has profound insights into what happens next.  These beautiful girls are showing me what it means to be awake and I can't believe how much I've forgotten already.  Sometimes I read stuff I wrote here and can't even remember that happening.  I look at pictures of the girls and for a moment can't tell which child this photo depicts.   Thank goodness for this silly blog and the 7,000+ photos at Flickr (yes, you read that correctly) or I fear my Swiss cheese brain would be completely lost. 

I have no idea where I'm going with this.  Except that it is late and I am tired and I haven't seen my kids since this afternoon and if I thought I could get some sleep, I'd lay down with Anya and sniff her sweet head.  But alas, she'd touch, kick, poke and pull on me all night, so that's not an option.  Maybe a wee sniff before bed will get me what I need.

What connects you to the "NOW" of those you love?