the deep, dark crazy place & my amazing kid

A little over a week ago, I stopped taking the long list of supplements that keep me from being totally insane.  I wasn't intending to stop, really.  We were heading out on a camping trip and I didn't want to mess with them and so I figured I could totally skip a couple days without a problem. 

The camping trip was fun, but uber cold.  I spent all night freezing myself silly until, somewhere around 3am, I got up, put on a whole nother layer of clothing and made it through to 5am when all the kids started waking up and hooting like maniac bonobos.  My lower back felt wrong and by mid-day, I had a feeling I was in trouble.  I took Lily on a walk but when it came time for me to head home, I was kinda screwed.  I had to work the next morning, so left with a serious pain ripping through me, hoping that a night in my warm bed would take care of the problem.

It did not.

I was down for days with lower back pain and somehow, the supplements never started up again.

A couple of days ago, Mark gently brought it up.  I had opened the door by mentioning how overwhelmed and frustrated I'd been as of late and he suggested maybe I should start taking my vitamins again.  I made some noise about the cost and he threw out that maybe I could just take them in the morning... maybe that would be enough.

Yeah, not so much.

This morning I fell into the deep, dark pit of emotional crazy and couldn't stop yelling at the kids.  Lily broke the car door handle (again) and I couldn't let it go.  I know she didn't mean to break it but I just kept getting on her about being more gentle.  Then there were messes to yell about, cards that I thought were lost, and finally, the rejection of the lunch I made due to a simple ingredient substitution. 

I totally lost it.  Lily ran for her room where, she later told me, she talked to herself for a while.  Anya ate her lunch while watching me from the corner of her eye.  I was sitting in the kitchen breaking down and when I started to openly sob into my hands, I heard the sound of a chair being pushed back and then gentle, small hands brushed my hair back from my forehead.  I looked up to find Anya standing in front of me, her eyes full of quiet concern and I gathered her up into my lap, letting go of everything else.  Lily has always been frightened by my strong emotions, bursting into her own set of tears when I cry, but Anya just stroked my back, rested her head on my shoulder and held me with a strength I didn't know a four-year-old could possibly possess.  When I was able to slow down, I told her how much I love her and how amazing she is.  I told her I didn't want to be having such a hard time.  I wanted to be happy right then, but couldn't figure out how.  She disappeared and returned with a plastic purple and red lei from Hawaii day at Lily's school and I burst into laughter, letting her put it around my neck.

Lily re-emerged around this time and I cried some more (which meant she cried more) and then calmed down, strangely feeling better.  Anya had managed to bring me a giraffe and her creepy baby doll during this time as well, so I sat for a moment, stacked with gifts but more comforted by the knowledge that Anya is the strongest person I have ever met.  And I've made myself promise to keep taking my happy pills. Afterall, she shouldn't have to be holding me.