I may have mentioned that before, but I need to really drive it home. 2014 really, really sucked. Granted, there were some moments of pure beauty in there, but most of the year felt like one fresh wound after another. Two full months into 2015 and I'm finally starting to pull my head out of the sand, abet cautiously. It's scary out there.
The worst part about 2014, though, is not the shit that happened to me and my people. Honestly, most of my regret is about how I shut down. A friend suffered her own huge loss and because I don't see her very often, I never even acknowledged it. I pretty much didn't acknowledge anything that wasn't physically on fire and standing one foot in front of me. Which means a lot of "showing up" just didn't happen. And one of the things I strive for, every single day, is showing up for the people in my life.
And now, I'm not sure how to come back from it. A couple cherished relationships fell away last year, but I get it. Being friends with someone who is actively hiding from the world can be challenging. Being friends with someone who doesn't act like the person you know and doesn't show up for you when you need them? That's darn near impossible. I have to accept my part in that.
But I also need to remember those people who set down their expectations of me and simply showed up for me. Turns out, those people are the ones you need in your corner. And without them, I don't know how I could have made it through 2014 without an extended stay at an institution. These are the people who looked me square in the eye and called bullshit. These are the people who cooked meal after meal after meal and quietly put it on the table. These are the people who sat silently next to me when I could not breath and took in air so I could survive. These are the people who stood next to my kids when I couldn't. These are the people who held me.
The ones who left? Turns out I didn't need them anyway.